What am I supposed to do Underground!
by Fantasmagorie
Summary: A sequel to : What am I supposed to do on Earth? Jareth and Sarah are getting married but someone will have to look after the Labyrinth while they're on their honeymoon. Will Hilarity and Trin be able to cope with the responsibility?
1. The Announcement

What am I supposed to do Underground?! : A sequel to the sequel of "What am I  
  
supposed to do in Thirteen Hours?!"  
  
******  
  
Chapter 1 - The Announcement  
  
******  
  
A/N - OK, here it is! My third story. Bloody hell, that was quick! Never mind. Thanks  
  
for reviewing everyone, it was very nice of you and they were very constructive.   
  
I just came back from the Tate Modern with my school. Some good stuff, some  
  
pretentious crap. We then drove past the Houses of Parliament and my friend Adam  
  
mooned Gerry Adams the leader of Sinn Fein. :-) What're the chances of that  
  
happening, eh?  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own any Earthlings or Labyrinth dwellers or anyone who goes by  
  
the  
  
name of Newton.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity made the finishing touches to her latest article and sent it to her editor. She sat  
  
heavily on the sofa and relaxed with a bottle of Meteorite Cola. She had been working  
  
as a travel writer for the past two years and not only had regular columns in the  
  
Omlaphodeam and the Daily Quasar but had just published a best-selling guide to  
  
Earth and its neighbouring star systems. Thanks to this book and a contract for another  
  
one later that year, Hilarity had managed to buy her own apartment earlier that month.  
  
She now lived with her boyfriend Danny and Thomas Jerome Newton their pet alien.  
  
Yes indeed, life was good.  
  
"Hils, did you want to keep this cress?" said Danny from the kitchen.  
  
"We don't have any cress. That's yoghurt!"  
  
"Ewww!"  
  
"I was trying to create my own eco-system and perhaps breed intelligent life."  
  
"Where did you say we were going tonight?"  
  
"It's a new place called the Vyne. They're supposed to use vine leaves as plates or  
  
something. Anyway, Jareth and Sarah are coming, they say they've got this important  
  
announcement to make."  
  
"Oooh, wonder what that could be. I bet she's pregnant."  
  
"What makes you think that?"  
  
"Last time we all went out she ordered sauerkraut and ice-cream."  
  
"I don't think it counts when they're in different courses, Danny." laughed Hilarity as  
  
she put her shoes and coat on and they made their way to the elevator. "Oh no, we  
  
forgot to lock the drinks cabinet." cried Hilarity "Quick, before Thomas gets at the  
  
gin."  
  
******  
  
The restaurant was crowded and loud and but the music was good. It was weird,  
  
Hilarity thought, they were all behaving so couply. It seemed like only yesterday they  
  
were all young and carefree and playing drinking games into the wee hours. Now they  
  
had all these responsibilities, well a pet alien anyway.  
  
"So anyway, Hils and I decided to get it over with and meet each other's parents. Little  
  
did she know that my dad is probably the most notorious evil scientist on the planet.  
  
She did get a little suspicious when we arrived at the hollowed out volcano..."  
  
Oh yes. Meeting the parents. What a nightmare that had been. Not only was Danny's  
  
father evil, he was also a stark raving lunatic with a glass eye. The more she tried not  
  
to stare at it the worse it got.  
  
"And so we started talking about Hilarity's book and she was desperate not to bring  
  
eye's into the conversation so she said..."  
  
I'm crossing the Ts and dotting the...lower case js. That's what she'd said. That was  
  
going to be their couple story that everyone would eventually hear and laugh politely  
  
at but secretly think how pathetic it was...  
  
"You seem unusually quiet tonight, Hilarity." said Jareth.  
  
"Really, I'm...er just wondering what this big announcement is. Can't you tell us  
  
now?"  
  
"OK, didn't mean to keep you in suspense." he smiled and held Sarah's hand. Hilarity  
  
noticed the ring on her finger. "Sarah and I are engaged...." 


	2. The Rant

Chapter 2 - The Rant  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Labyrinth or the Man who Fell to Earth nor do I wish to.  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hi everyone it's me again. I'm going to have to cut down on my writing time as  
  
of soonish due to exams and the like. So fewer updates. Wah!! No fair!! Please enjoy  
  
chapter two. It will get funnier later on. I promise!  
  
******  
  
After dinner the four of them walked back to Hilarity's apartment. It was quite  
  
interesting how Sarah could be fascinated by the most ordinary things on Zea but  
  
being from Earth it was only to be expected. When they arrived, Danny made a point  
  
of giving Sarah and Jareth the guided tour even though it wasn't his tour to give.  
  
Hilarity decided to sit this one out and made her way to the balcony. Thomas was  
  
already there with a glass of gin in his hand.  
  
"What a weird evening." she said. As usual the alien did not reply. He never said  
  
anything, which Hilarity blamed on some past trauma and she had reason to suspect  
  
that he had been experimented on when he was on Earth. "It can't be easy being the  
  
last of your kind." she said after a long pause. "I've felt so strange today. I never think  
  
bad thoughts about anyone and now its like my mind's attacking the person I'm  
  
supposed to love most. I suddenly feel really trapped and I don't know why." Thomas  
  
just stared at her blankly in his drunken stupor. "Thanks kiddo. You've been a real  
  
help." she said. It was nice having someone to listen to her without making a comment.  
  
"Ha! I knew something was wrong." said a voice behind her. She turned and saw  
  
Jareth leaning against the door frame.  
  
"How long have you been listening?" she exclaimed.  
  
"Since the trapped bit. Come on, what's the problem?"  
  
"I've just realised I'm one half of a couple." said Hilarity.   
  
"Please explain."  
  
"Well, I don't like being bunched up with someone. When I was asked to go out with  
  
some friends or to a party they would always says "You should come too and bring  
  
Danny." Now they say "You and Danny should come." It's a subtle difference but it's  
  
very unnerving. Why do they assume I'll bring Danny, I might want to bring someone  
  
else. Just for once I'd like to get an invitation that says Hilarity Freak plus guest."  
  
"You and your independence." sighed Jareth "That was partly why I didn't keep you in  
  
the Labyrinth. You were so protective of your individuality it would've been a nightmare."  
  
"It's not just that. We used to be a group at university but now everyone's paired off.  
  
Me and Danny, Kate and Ed, Lars and Beau the trophy gay couple, it's just weird."  
  
"Good Lord, Hilarity! You're too young to be having a mid-life crisis. You're  
  
twenty-three!" Jareth joked. "Any other problems."  
  
"Well, yes actually. Last week he introduced me to his boss as his 'partner'. His  
  
Partner!!! That must be the most depressing word in the entire universe. Even  
  
concubine sounds better than Partner!" she spat that last word out as if it had a bad  
  
taste. She took a deep breath and relaxed.  
  
"Feel any better." said Jareth.  
  
"A little. But it isn't very nice of me ranting on about my problems when we should be  
  
celebrating." she grinned "So, you're tying the knot. That's pretty brave."  
  
"It wasn't easy."  
  
"Congratulations, she's a great girl!"  
  
Jareth smiled and conjured a small piece of card and handed it to her. It was a  
  
wedding invitation with gold around the edges. It was addressed to Hilarity Freak plus  
  
guest.  
  
"Aww! That's so sweet!" said Hilarity.  
  
"I suggest you do bring someone else. I don't like that 'partner' of yours." they both  
  
laughed hysterically "Actually, if you want some time to yourself, I need someone to  
  
look after the Labyrinth for a few weeks during the honeymoon." suggested Jareth.  
  
"That's a bit of a responsibility." said Hilarity "Do you really want to trust me with  
  
that place. You know me! I'm a little werrr, a little bit wheyyy..."  
  
"You're a lot more responsible that you give yourself credit."  
  
"Well, I do have other things to do. Like Work!"  
  
Jareth raised an elegant eyebrow "Work! Hilarity, you're a travel writer! You go on  
  
holiday for a living."  
  
"OK. Point taken." sighed Hilarity "I'll think about it." 


	3. Magical lands and parallel dimensions

Chapter 3 - Magical lands and parallel dimensions  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I own nothing except Hilarity, Trin, Danny and the plot.  
  
******  
  
Trin was not expecting a phone call that day. He had always made it pretty clear that  
  
Sunday mornings were strictly 'Trin Time' when he would gingerly recover from his  
  
hangovers and catch up with his favourite Mexican soap operas. He was slightly  
  
annoyed when his phone started beeping in the living room of his tiny bedsit. Maybe  
  
if he just ignored it, it would go away. No such luck.  
  
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" he moaned as he fiddled with the irritating contraption  
  
only to find a hologram of his cousin staring back at him. "Have you any idea what  
  
time it is?" he grumbled.  
  
"It's nine thirty, you lazy git!" said Hilarity "I thought I'd catch you before 'El Noche  
  
Bueno' comes on or whatever that absurd program's called."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"How would you like to come to a wedding with me?"  
  
"Oh no! Last time you said that I ended up marrying an asylum seeker so she could  
  
stay on the planet."  
  
"She was desperate!" Hilarity cried.  
  
"She had nine heads!"  
  
"Oh come on dude! It's Jareth and Sarah's wedding. Free party, lots of booze,  
  
bridesmaids." Trin wasn't swayed "There's going to be meat..." she said enticingly.  
  
"Oh all right then." said Trin "Bend my rubber arm."  
  
"Fantastic!"  
  
"Why aren't you taking Danny? Have you two had a fight?"  
  
"Not exactly. I just need some time to myself. I thought I'd take you because you're the  
  
only person I know who doesn't have a partner that follows them round everywhere."  
  
" Ah! You're having a mid-life crisis. So how do you plan to tell him he's not invited?"  
  
asked Trin.  
  
"It's on my to do list." said Hilarity irritably. She hadn't planned that far ahead.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity sat down to breakfast, dreading what she had to say. Danny looked equally  
  
nervous for some reason.  
  
"Hils, I've got some bad news!" he said suddenly "I can't go to the wedding with you  
  
tomorrow. I've got this big presentation to make at the office. We've invented this new  
  
self-cleaning fabric and we're trying to get a patent."  
  
"Oh that's wonderful." said Hilarity with relief "For you, I mean, not for me. Don't  
  
worry, I'll go with Trin instead." that was lucky, too lucky. Dan looked relieved too.  
  
"Speaking of work, I've got some news for you." she said after a slight pause "I've  
  
been asked to look after the Labyrinth for a few weeks, you know, Jareth's kingdom. I  
  
thought I could make it the subject for my next book, a study of magical lands and  
  
parallel dimensions."  
  
"A few weeks? That's quite a long time, isn't it." said Danny unhappily.  
  
"It's not that long. Besides, a quick break from each other might do us some good."  
  
******  
  
The next morning Trin and Hilarity were ready to go. Trin was wearing his best black  
  
shirt with his only tie, which was white and made him look like a jazz musician.  
  
Hilarity had no idea what to wear at a Goblin King's wedding so she settled for a  
  
knee-length dark purple dress which was the least alien thing in her wardrobe.  
  
She kissed Danny goodbye "Now, remember to install ZEMAC's new personality chip  
  
when it comes, and don't forget that you have to take Thomas on his evening walkies  
  
while I'm gone as well as his morning ones, don't take him in the elevator whatever  
  
you do, and don't forget to give him his medicine otherwise he gets a little cranky  
  
before seven, I always find it's best to just grind it into his food..."  
  
"Hils, I'll be fine. Don't worry." said Danny reassuringly.  
  
"Goodbye then, and good luck with the fabric deal." she went over to stand by Trin  
  
and with the reading of a few magic words written on the invitation, they vanished. 


	4. The Wedding

Chapter 4 - The Wedding  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Labyrinth or anything to do with it. Please don't sue me.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity and Trin arrived at the ceremony in the nick of time. They looked around for a  
  
seat  
  
only to find that they were surrounded by dozens of strange people and creatures.  
  
Some had wings or horns sticking out of their heads and they were all dressed in  
  
clothes that predated the poor aliens' by nearly three hundred years. Lots of big dresses  
  
and breeches.  
  
"Oh crap! I'm going to look like a pixie stick in a meringue factory!" Hilarity  
  
muttered quietly so that only her cousin could hear.  
  
"That's nothing, I'm going to look like a Beatle at a Mozart convention." Trin replied,  
  
not so quietly. They stifled a laugh.  
  
Amidst all this strangeness sat Sarah's family looking rather nervous. Hilarity assumed  
  
that they weren't to comfortable with this marriage malarkey. They went over and sat  
  
by them. Toby, who now looked about eight years old, noticed his ex-nanny first and  
  
gave her a grin recognition.  
  
"Hilarity!" he cried happily.  
  
"Hey kiddo!" she grinned back. "Long time, no see."  
  
"It's so good to see someone from our world." said Sarah's father with relief "I was  
  
beginning to think we were the only humans here." Hilarity politely refrained from  
  
telling him where she was really from. "How long has it been? Five years?"  
  
"Yeah! I see Toby's grown like a beanstalk." she replied "You remember my cousin  
  
Trin, don't you." Trin waved at them then went back to staring at his fingernails.  
  
"So have you been here before?" asked Sarah's father, curious about how these people  
  
knew the bride and groom.  
  
"Once or twice." she replied "But Jareth usually comes over to our neck of the woods  
  
because we live within walking distance of a multiplex cinema." bet they didn't know  
  
that.  
  
******  
  
The ceremony passed without complication. It was very beautiful but a little too  
  
formal for Hilarity's taste. Plus she felt very uneasy about the other guests and felt that  
  
they weren't very nice people.  
  
The reception took place in the castle gardens. Hilarity sighed. The roses were still a  
  
mess. She wondered if anyone would notice if she nipped out and....no, stop it, she  
  
thought. She spent the whole of lunch jammed between an arguing elvin couple and  
  
an elderly man with an unpleasant smell. She remembered why she hated weddings.  
  
Trin who sat opposite her helped himself to some fruit.  
  
"I wouldn't trust those peaches, Trin." she said.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Remember those vodka watermelons we had at that beach party last year. Those are  
  
worse." Trin quickly put it back.  
  
"Whose that guy?" he asked pointing to the best man.  
  
"Jareth's brother. I've forgotten his name." she replied nonchalantly "Weird idea isn't  
  
it. He's not the kind of person you'd imagine as having a family."  
  
After dinner the dancing started. Hilarity felt a little vulnerable. Trin had gone off to  
  
flirt with the bridesmaids with little success and, being the only female with her ankles  
  
exposed, she had been bombarded by indecent propositions. She remembered why she  
  
hated Jareth's friends. Luckily, Toby was so pleased to see her again that he demanded  
  
her full attention for the entire evening. She taught him how to play 'Bogies', a rather  
  
pointless game she had learned from the BBC where they would take it in turns to  
  
shout "Bogies" getting louder and louder until one person copped out or failed to  
  
match the other in volume. Then they had a peach fight seeing as no one was eating  
  
them. Hilarity hadn't realised how much she'd missed that childish, purile filth.  
  
"Remind me never to let you near my children!" said a man as she led a very messy  
  
Toby back to his table. Hilarity recognised the speaker as Jareth's brother.  
  
"Oh! you have kids. That's nice, how many?" she smiled.  
  
"I have a daughter whose just turned five hundred." said the man.  
  
"Aww, they're so sweet at that age, aren't they. Then they hit puberty and it all goes  
  
downhill. I'm Hilarity by the way."  
  
"Knossos."  
  
"Gesundheit!" Hilarity laughed at her own joke but her companion ignored her.  
  
"So, you're Jareth's famous alien friend." said Knossos "Funny, I thought you'd be  
  
more exotic, with scales or spines or something."   
  
"No, but my race is semi-chameleonic. Nowadays people can only change their  
  
appearance in extreme situations though."  
  
"Fascinating." he drawled boredly. Christ! What a git. "Would you care to dance?" he  
  
asked.  
  
"Normally, I'd love to but I've got some very important business to attend to over  
  
there." she pointed to somewhere behind Knossos then legged it in the opposite  
  
direction while his back was turned. It had been one of her most effective ways of  
  
avoiding Zutroy when she was at University. She turned a corner and ran straight into  
  
Jareth.  
  
"Oh! Sorry!" she cried looking slightly embarrassed.  
  
"Have you just been propositioned by my brother?"  
  
"Yes, how did you know?"  
  
"Generally, from the number of women running from that end of the garden to this  
  
end." he said.  
  
"By Jove, Holmes you've got it!"  
  
"Have you reached a decision yet?" he asked.  
  
"Can Trin stay too?"  
  
"If he stays out of trouble."  
  
"Then my answer is yes. A bit of Labyrinth sitting can't be too bad." 


	5. The Deep End

Chapter 5 - The Deep End  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Labyrinth or the Narnia Chronicles or anything else for  
  
that matter.  
  
******  
  
A/N - A very very very short chapter today. This story will get better, if not a little  
  
chaotic so please bear with me and please R & R. Thank you.  
  
Yes Augusta, they will get into trouble. Hint hint!  
  
******  
  
"So what the hell am I supposed to do Underground?" Asked Hilarity nervously. They  
  
were in Jareth's study. A rather sombre room which contained his slightly disturbing  
  
collection of pickled reptiles. Trin was eyeing them with a morbid fascination.  
  
"Just keep an eye on things, make sure everything runs smoothly." said Jareth.  
  
"Why do you want me to do this? Why not ask one of your fae friends?"  
  
"Would you trust anyone you met yesterday?" he said.  
  
"Not as far as I could throw them." said Hilarity thinking back to the wedding  
  
reception and shuddering.  
  
"Exactly my point. You're the only person I know who won't try to seize power while I'm gone."  
  
"What if someone gets wished away?"  
  
"That's very unlikely. The Labyrinth is quickly being forgotten in the mortal world. If  
  
it does happen..." he handed her a crystal "...this should give you all the help you need.  
  
If you want to contact me just say my name into the crystal and there are plenty of  
  
books in the castle library if you're not sure about anything."  
  
"And that's it, is it?"  
  
"Pretty much. Any questions?"  
  
"Just the one. Do I have to wear the tights or are they optional?" said Hilarity, they  
  
laughed but Trin looked incredibly bored. "So where are you and Sarah going?"  
  
"Tashbann. It's a city across the desert from Narnia."  
  
"Oooh, plush!" they chatted away for a few minutes until Sarah came followed by  
  
three Goblins burdened down with luggage. The happy couple said their goodbyes and  
  
disappeared. 


	6. What now?

Chapter 6 - What now?  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own anything remotely like a Labyrinth. That giant structure in  
  
my garden is merely a very complicated gazebo.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity and Trin stared out of the window at the vastly intricate mass that they had  
  
been left in charge of for the next three weeks. It certainly was beautiful in a terrifying  
  
way but something in their minds said...  
  
"What now?!"  
  
"I think I'd better do my homework on this place." Hilarity said after a while "You  
  
can't be too careful."  
  
"I guess I'll be off as well then." said Trin, but he didn't really want to be left alone.  
  
"I'll see you at dinner then."  
  
"What time?"  
  
"Seven-ish?"  
  
"Good Plan." They walked out the study door and off in different directions.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity had always been curious about the castle's library but had never had a good  
  
reason to go in there. The shelves were over fifty feet tall and led in all directions into  
  
narrow and claustrophobic corridors. Of course it would be a maze, she thought, well  
  
it was a Labyrinth after all. She tried to look for something useful but found to her  
  
annoyance that the books had no particular order to them and half of them were in  
  
languages she could not understand.  
  
"Oh! I wish I could find a book that was bloody useful!" she cried out loud with  
  
frustration. Not sooner had she said this, the crystal that she still held in her hand  
  
began to vibrate. She was so surprised by this that she dropped it and the flawless orb  
  
rolled away between the shelves. She followed without thinking until it eventually  
  
bounced its way up the rungs of one of the many ladders then stopped. She climbed  
  
uncomfortably, the rungs were too close together for her long, spindly legs. She  
  
picked up the crystal from where it had stopped and noticed the book behind it. It was  
  
titled "The Encyclopaedia of Underground Law" and was bound in brown leather with  
  
gold embossing. Next to it were some old and tattered notebooks on one side and a  
  
copy of "The Return of the Naked Chef" on the other.  
  
"Oooh, pucker!" she commented as she grabbed these books too just to be on the safe  
  
side. The cook book might have something good in it as Jamie Oliver was quite  
  
reliable.  
  
******  
  
Trin was finding the Goblins' presence rather unsettling. In fact he found everything  
  
unsettling. God! He hated this place. With a passion that was very hard to replicate.  
  
He wanted to get it back for the thirteen hours of pure hell he had to endure five years  
  
previously. Time had not healed that wound. He smiled as an evil little idea flashed  
  
into his mind.  
  
"Hey Trin! Check it out!" he heard his cousin say. she lifted up the crystal Jareth had  
  
given her and said "I wish I had a bottle of Meteorite Cola." and a glass bottle  
  
instantly appeared in her hand.  
  
"Oh! that is so cool." he said "Can I have one?" Hilarity was about to grant his request  
  
when a small and particularly ugly Goblin pulled the hem of her skirt to get her  
  
attention.  
  
"My Lady! Listen!" it said and the room fell into complete silence. Everyone strained  
  
to hear as the faint sound of a baby crying reached their ears accompanied by a stream  
  
of unintelligible shouting and insults. The two aliens were frozen with fear while the  
  
Goblins rubbed their hands (or claws) together with anticipation. Then the words rang  
  
loud and clear throughout the castle "I wish the Goblins would come and take you  
  
away, right now!"  
  
"Whuh-oh!" Hilarity and Trin whispered in unison.... 


	7. Loop Hole

Chapter 7 - Loop Hole  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Labyrinth but I did get lost at Hampton Court once.  
  
******  
  
Emily immediately knew something was wrong when the cries of her step-sister  
  
stopped so abruptly. She pushed open the nursery door nervously.  
  
"Hannah?" she whispered uneasily into the darkness. There was a noise but it didn't  
  
sound like anything a baby could make. She crept over to Hannah's crib. It was empty!  
  
Suddenly there was a flurry of movement around the room. Dark and strangely shaped  
  
shadows moved across the walls. The suspense was electric. However, it was soon  
  
ruined when the window burst open and a tall, dark figure entered, lost it's footing  
  
somewhere along the line and fell flat on its face.  
  
"Good God! Are you all right?" cried Emily. The figure made a few muffled noises as  
  
if it had just had a few unexpected mouthfuls of carpet. It slowly got to its feet.  
  
"I'm fine. I just tripped." it said. Emily had not expected to hear a female voice let  
  
alone a cockney one. "Bloody hell! It's dark in here!" she had not expected it to swear  
  
either. The dark form stalked across the room and found the light switch. Everything  
  
flashed into view and Emily saw the intruder properly. It was a young woman in her  
  
early twenties, nearly seven feet tall with thin, skeletal limbs. Her eyes were large and  
  
a shocking shade of violet and her chin length black hair curled upwards at a forty-five  
  
degree angle. She was dressed in a knee-length black skirt, a black blouse and,  
  
surprisingly, black and white stripy stockings.  
  
"Who are you?" Emily whispered.  
  
"Oh sorry! How rude of me. I'm Hilarity." said the girl.  
  
"What do you want? Where's Hannah?"   
  
"Isn't it obvious? You wished a kid away. Kid gone. Stranger in your room."  
  
"You're not the Goblin King!" Emily exclaimed.  
  
"Not exactly. He's not here at the moment and I'm just filling in. I'm a travel writer  
  
normally." said Hilarity. This was rather awkward.  
  
"Where's Hannah?" Emily repeated. "Bring her back!"  
  
"I can't I'm afraid. What's said is said. And trust me when I say I don't like this any  
  
more than you do. I'm not experienced enough for this and frankly this line of work  
  
disgusts me."  
  
"Is there really no way to get her back?"  
  
"Of course you can get her back. You just have to solve the Labyrinth." said Hilarity.  
  
Inside she was really guilted out. She had never made anyone look this unhappy  
  
before and it disturbed her. Emily agreed to save her sister so she brought her to the  
  
edge of the Labyrinth and genuinely wished her luck.   
  
******  
  
"So there's no kind of loop hole to get her out of this?" asked Trin when his cousin  
  
returned and told her story.  
  
"No. I've read this bloody book from cover to cover and there's nothing. And then I  
  
had to re-read it because I realised that I hadn't been concentrating on it at all and I  
  
was just thinking about monkeys." Hilarity cried almost in hysterics now. She really  
  
didn't like this Labyrinth-sitting business and to top it all off she was having the  
  
mother of all bad hair days.  
  
"You know..." Trin said thoughtfully "You can't help this girl but there's no rule that  
  
says I can't..."  
  
"Oh! Would you?" she whispered gratefully.  
  
"Anything for you, Hils." he said then muttered "and anything to piss off that Goblin  
  
git." 


	8. Monkey doodle

Chapter 8 - Monkey doodle  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - Again, I own nothing.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity watched the crystal that now held an image of her cousin handing over the  
  
directions she had written for the girl. She knew it probably wouldn't work as the  
  
Labyrinth had a nasty habit of changing when you least expected it. She wondered if  
  
the baby would turn into a Goblin automatically or if she would have to do it herself.  
  
That was the last thing she wanted to do. Hilarity was the type of person who got on  
  
well with kids and any idea of harming one made her stomach churn with anger. She  
  
flicked though some more books she had found. She picked up an old exercise book.  
  
The writing looked like someone had dropped a spider in ink and let it run all over the  
  
page and she instantly recognised it as Jareth's untidy scrawl. Who'd have thought that  
  
learning about a magic kingdom would be so deadly boring. Her friend had obviously  
  
felt the same way during his childhood because the next few pages were covered in  
  
doodles and graffiti (mostly of monkeys) the tutor had written "Must pay attention"  
  
along the bottom. Hilarity smiled. The Goblin King was a man of many talents but  
  
drawing was certainly not one of them.  
  
Hannah was crying on the other side of the room now so she quickly went over to  
  
comfort her.  
  
"Don't worry, kiddo. It'll be OK. Your sister will be here soon." she whispered  
  
encouragingly. The baby didn't seem convinced because she carried on crying "Yeah  
  
you're right. I wouldn't count on it either."  
  
"You seem to have you're work cut out, my dear." said a rather evil voice next to her  
  
ear. Hilarity wizzed round and came face to face with...  
  
"Ahh Knossos!" she said politely, amazed at how she kept her composure. "What are  
  
you doing here?"  
  
"I was just wondering if you needed any help. Running a Labyrinth can cause terrible  
  
stress on the inexperienced."  
  
"By 'help' you mean that you want to take over and I don't think the terrible stress will  
  
be caused by the Labyrinth if I refuse."  
  
"You catch on quick. Straight to the point I see. I admire that in a person. The people  
  
of the Underground are usually so full of crap."  
  
"Like you?" What the hell was she doing? This was definitely going to lead to trouble  
  
yet her  
  
mouth still kept on talking as if it had a mind of its own.  
  
"May I remind you of my influence in this world, my dear?"  
  
"Sure. Refresh my memory. What exactly is it that you do? I haven't heard anyone  
  
mention you before." she said sarcastically.  
  
"I am the overlord of the troll clans." he replied "My army is ten thousand strong and  
  
we will happily invade this little hole of a kingdom if you do not surrender  
  
peacefully."  
  
"My future father in law is one of the most infamous dictators in the universe. Attack  
  
the Labyrinth and he'll nuke you're troll army into oblivion." she would have to double  
  
check on this but it was a good threat all the same. She had bluffed about the future  
  
father in law bit. As much as she loved Danny she would never marry someone with a  
  
name like Diabolicous!  
  
"You have until sunset tomorrow to make a decision!" said Knossos who was starting  
  
to lose his rag with this annoying creature. "I advise that you think about it as it will  
  
be the only way for you and your relative to safely return home." with that he  
  
disappeared in a menacing cloud of black smoke. Hilarity was not impressed. What an  
  
arse!  
  
******  
  
Trin made his way back to the castle after he had given the directions to Emily. He  
  
was confident that she would understand them and not need any more help. This left  
  
him to concentrate on his plan. A plan so evil it actually scared him. A plan that  
  
would destroy that bloody place once and for all and take all those freaky creatures  
  
with it....  
  
******  
  
"Oh please stop crying!" moaned Hilarity as she tried to cheer Hannah up with little  
  
success. She gave one of the Goblins a desperate look "What do I do? How does  
  
Jareth usually handle this type of situation?"  
  
"His Majesty sings to them, my Lady." the Goblin replied.  
  
"Worth a try. But you lot are singing back up!" she took the crystal from her pocket "I  
  
wish I had my piano."  
  
******  
  
Emily had made good progress since the rather strange young man had given her a  
  
map with a set of instructions with an encouraging note from the girl who had  
  
appeared in her room. It must be hard to be left in charge of such a dangerous place  
  
and do a job you don't agree with, she thought. She could hear music playing faintly in  
  
the distance. It sounded a bit like....The Jackson Five! What the...! 


	9. Paperwork

Chapter 9 - Paperwork  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Labyrinth. It is not the in thing on the property market.  
  
Lofts are in, Labyrinths are out. I do not own Gormenghast either, it is the property of  
  
Mervyn Peake's estate.  
  
******  
  
To take her mind off things, Hilarity decided to read some more. She was surprised at  
  
the amount of paperwork that went with running a Labyrinth. She hated accounting at  
  
the best of times because it never actually ended, there was always yet another detail  
  
to consider. She had managed to swat up on the troll clans and all the other nearby  
  
kingdoms that littered the Labyrinth's border. None of them were very strong as they  
  
were all heavily in debt. A lot of them had borrowed money from the Goblin King  
  
himself.   
  
"So that's how he keeps control." she said out loud to Hannah who was playing with  
  
the crystal and not paying attention "The other kings call for war and Jareth just calls  
  
in his loans. I'm impressed!"  
  
She went back to her studies which she hoped would help her research her book and  
  
the journey she was planning after this ordeal was over. There were some strange  
  
places in this world. There was one place called The Castle Gormenghast that was  
  
large enough to be counted as a country in its own right and most of its inhabitants  
  
had never left the castle gates. That was a must see in her opinion.  
  
She scratched her head. Her hair still hadn't calmed down. It was beginning to hang  
  
down like icicles in some places and defy gravity in others and it was becoming very  
  
annoying.   
  
"You're lucky. You don't have hair yet." said complained to the baby who looked at  
  
her thoughtfully. Maybe if she just sneaked Hannah back home without anyone  
  
noticing...that could work, after all the Goblins didn't have very good memories...no,  
  
Knossos had seen her...he struck Hilarity as the creepy type and would not hesitate to  
  
tell on her. Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by the loud chiming of the clock.  
  
Her head swung round. The sword shaped hands were both pointing to thirteen. "Oh!  
  
Bugger!" she cried...  
  
******  
  
Emily had only just reached the city gates when she heard the bells chime. Somehow  
  
she knew what they meant. Her time was up.  
  
"I am so, so sorry!" said a voice behind her. It was that girl who had appeared in her  
  
room. She looked exhausted and thoroughly depressed. Her hair was a lot messier  
  
than it been when they first met.  
  
"Well, you tried to help. I understand." said Emily trying to put a brave face on things  
  
even though tears were starting to form in her eyes. Hilarity tried to comfort her.  
  
"Look. I don't have the power to do anything to Hannah." she said "I promise I'll keep  
  
her safe until the king returns."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"I'll try to get him to reconsider, but there really isn't much I can do." the landscape  
  
began to fade around her and once again, Emily found herself alone in her room.  
  
******  
  
"Jareth! Jareth!! YOU BLOODY LITTLE GIT, SHOW YOURSELF!!!" Hilarity  
  
screamed at the crystal. The image of the Goblin King slowly became clearer. He  
  
looked very annoyed at being interrupted at whatever he was doing. Hilarity also  
  
noticed that someone had chained him to the bed.  
  
"Can't you see I'm busy!" he said angrily.  
  
"A girl wished her sister away today! Less than one hour after you left!"  
  
"Did she reach the castle?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Then what's the problem? You're doing fine. Keep up the good work. Now piss off!"  
  
"But!"  
  
"Go!" the image in the crystal faded.   
  
Hilarity was so angry she kicked the first thing in sight, which unfortunately was a  
  
Goblin. Fat lot of help that was. Again she began hearing voices from the human  
  
world. Another child was to be taken. No! Not again! Not another one! Why did  
  
people even bother having children if they were just going to wish them away? She  
  
put Hannah to bed and stormed off, not even bothering to change out of her pyjamas.  
  
******  
  
The words had hardly passed Susan's lips when her brother vanished into thin air and  
  
a very tall, very stressed looking young woman with very messy hair crashed though  
  
her door wearing purple silk pyjamas!  
  
"Good God! I didn't think it would actually work!" said the girl.  
  
"Well, tough! It did!" snapped Hilarity. She didn't know why she was behaving this  
  
way. She very rarely raised her voice and always respected other people. Something  
  
was definitely wrong.  
  
"Where's the Goblin King?"  
  
"Let's just say he's a bit tied up at the moment." she replied coolly. That wasn't her  
  
usual type of humour! What was going on?  
  
"Please! Bring my brother back." Susan pleaded. "I didn't mean it!"  
  
"Oh! You didn't mean it! Well that makes it perfectly all right. Come on. Let's sit  
  
down and have some tea and enjoy ourselves because Susan didn't mean it." This was  
  
really weird. Hilarity was hardly ever sarcastic. She considered it the lowest form if  
  
wit, but her mouth carried on talking. "You may as well forget about your brother.  
  
You don't deserve him."  
  
"That's not fair!"  
  
"Oh you're a real expert on fairness I presume. You just sent someone to a different  
  
astral plane because they annoyed you. You sent someone away before they had even  
  
learned to talk and defend themselves." she was really piling on the guilt now and she  
  
wanted to stop but her mouth kept on talking until the girl was reduced to tears. She  
  
actually discouraged her from saving her brother. When she returned to the castle she  
  
felt mentally drained. This place was horrible. Not bothering to check where her  
  
cousin was, she put the sleeping child the Goblins had just stolen next to Hannah's  
  
sleeping form and collapsed into a disturbed sleep. Hating herself for what she'd done. 


	10. Metamorphosis

Chapter 10 - Metamorphosis  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own anything except the plot and the aliens.  
  
******  
  
Oh come on! I need some reviews here! I have no idea where this is going and I need  
  
some suggestions.  
  
******  
  
The next morning, Trin walked in to one of the guest bedrooms where his cousin  
  
slept. His normally pristine clothes were covered in splashes of paint and sawdust,  
  
which was unusual for him because he had never done a days work in his life. He  
  
dumped the box he was carrying, that looked like it was full of brochures or  
  
magazines or something and  
  
looked down at Hilarity's sleeping form. She looked terrible, her eyelids were  
  
darkened and her hair seemed to float in a static cloud instead of its usual uniform  
  
straightness.  
  
"Hils?" he whispered and tapped her shoulder. What was the point in whispering  
  
when you were trying to wake someone up. She stirred a little and started whispering  
  
in her sleep.  
  
"No, Norman no! Move out of the way! Don't go on the motorway, you'll get run  
  
over!!!" Trin knew something was bad now. Hilarity always dreamed about a suicidal  
  
hedgehog called Spiky Norman when she was unhappy.   
  
"Hilarity!" he said louder.  
  
"I promise I'll be good. I'll leave you a saucer of milk every night!"  
  
"HILARITY!!" he shouted and shook her until she woke up. "It's OK. You were  
  
having a nightmare." Hilarity moaned and pulled her blankets over her head.  
  
"That was nothing compared to the panda dream I had earlier." she said.  
  
"Rough night?"  
  
"More than you can ever believe. I don't know what's happening to me, Trin. Last  
  
night, I just lost control and I purposefully hurt someone and I tried to stop myself but  
  
I kept on talking and I destroyed her! I made her cry and I was sarcastic a-and rude  
  
and arrogant and I destroyed her!" she suddenly burst into tears. Trin was shocked  
  
by this and hated to see his own flesh and blood so upset. She was the happy one. Her  
  
moods never lasted longer than half an hour and all you had to do to cheer her up was  
  
tell her a good joke.  
  
"Oh don't cry! It's OK, it's OK. You were probably just tired." he said comfortingly  
  
and squeezed her hand. He still noticed that something wasn't quite right about her  
  
and it disturbed him "Hils, have you had highlights put in?" he exclaimed.  
  
"No. Why?" Trin handed her a small mirror from the dressing table and she gasped  
  
when she saw that most of the left hand side of her head was dominated by a light  
  
blond streak. "Oh dear! What's going on, Trin?"  
  
"I have no idea." said Trin "Maybe the maze thingy doesn't think you're Goblin King  
  
material so its turning you into someone who is." It was just a hunch but it was the  
  
kind of twisted logic that made him hate this place so much.  
  
"Trin! That's actually quite deductive of you. How did you work it out?"  
  
"Well you're behaving like him and now you're beginning to look like him. It doesn't  
  
take a genius to work it out." said Trin defensively. He was interrupted by more voices  
  
and more crying which at the same time sounded a million miles away and  
  
simultaneously less than a millimetre from your own skin. Hilarity groaned loudly  
  
when she heard it and started crying again. "Look, don't worry about it, I'll take care of  
  
everything today. Just go back to sleep until you feel better." said Trin and took the  
  
crystal from her bedside table. Hilarity looked like she was going to protest but then  
  
decided not to. After all, he wouldn't be able to do it any worse than she had done.  
  
Plus, Trin could be a lot more frightening than she could ever be.  
  
"OK. If you're sure it's not too much trouble." she said eventually.  
  
"No trouble at all. I have to drop some things off on Earth anyway." he said and  
  
picked up the mysterious box and left. Hilarity wondered what he was up to but then  
  
decided that she didn't care anymore and rolled over and tried to get comfortable. Her  
  
head ached like crazy, her eyes itched and her mouth had gone numb which was a  
  
strange sensation. She blamed it on the dusty bedsheets that probably hadn't seen the  
  
fresh air for centuries and also on the damp patches on the ceiling which seemed to  
  
get bigger every hour. She just wasn't used to the unsanitary conditions of the castle  
  
and although she had been there many times when she and Jareth would chat long into  
  
the night over a bottle of Ricard she very rarely slept over. She suddenly felt  
  
extremely homesick and wished that she was back at home in her large, airy room in  
  
her antique, French bed that she and Danny had bought together on their travels. She  
  
loved their room because it had an entire wall made out of one-way glass which  
  
overlooked the city's skyline and the lush rainforests beyond which looked spectacular  
  
both night and day. She missed Danny. She missed taking it in turns to make breakfast  
  
in bed every Sunday and curling up with the morning paper and fighting over who got  
  
the Culture section. Then Thomas would come in and curl up at the foot of the bed,  
  
which was a little freaky at first but they got used to it as long as he didn't stay on  
  
their feet for too long and give them pins and needles. With these happy thoughts in  
  
tow, Hilarity drifted off to sleep. 


	11. Reverie and Catastrophe

Chapter 11 - Reverie and Catastrophe  
  
******  
  
Trin wasn't sure how to deal with the boy who had wished away his friend. He  
  
decided that it would be best to just repeat what Jareth had said to him five years  
  
previously when Hilarity was being held prisoner in his castle. He still felt a little  
  
peeved at how his entire journey was completely unnecessary. He should have known  
  
that his cousin would have been able to get out of that place. She had a rare talent for  
  
seeing the good in people and sparked little friendships all over the place because she  
  
could always find something to talk about. She had even impressed the notorious Dr  
  
Diabolicous with her knowledge of heavy artillery. Heaven knows where she had got  
  
that piece of useless information from. He had not expected her to carry on seeing the  
  
Goblin King after the thirteen hours she had spent with him. Still, they would meet up  
  
every Friday and stay out until the sun was close to rising (or if they were on Hilarity's  
  
home planet it would sometimes bob lazily across the horizon then go back the way it  
  
had came). Trin wasn't sure which one of them was the bad influence, in fact he  
  
suspected that they were as bad as each other, a terrible twosome, partners in crime. If  
  
partying in the student world was a crime of course. It was really the most unlikely  
  
friendship he could think of, a supposedly fictional monarch and a trendy alien  
  
urbanite. For a while he had been deeply concerned for Hilarity's safety as he wasn't  
  
sure if the Goblin King's intentions were particularly honourable, but, as she had  
  
reassured him, they were from different species, how would that work? Nevertheless,  
  
they just seemed to click because they were intellectual equals and they were both  
  
great fans of the planet Earth. Sarah's appearance onto the scene had seemed to settle  
  
down Hilarity and Jareth's slightly impulsive relationship. By "settle down" he meant  
  
that neither of them had been arrested or hospitalised in the last four years. In truth, he  
  
liked Sarah a lot, and if there wasn't the risk of a very angry Goblin King to take into  
  
account, he might have asked her out himself. Danny had also begun to join them  
  
every Friday but Trin had a sneaky suspicion that he was only friends with them  
  
because he wanted to please Hilarity and in any other situation he would have run a  
  
mile...  
  
He snapped out of this reverie and prepared himself for his grand entrance to the  
  
human's room.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity awoke with a start. In her dream, she had fallen of a cliff while trying to save  
  
Spiky Norman and she woke up as she hit the ground, sending a terrifying spasm  
  
through her body which caused her to bite her tongue.  
  
"OWWW! BUGGER!!" she shouted. She picked up her hand mirror to check if she  
  
was bleeding. Blood soon became the least of her worries when she noticed what had  
  
happened to her teeth. What had once been perfectly straight and slab-like were now  
  
yellow and pointy and just a tad crooked. "Holy crap!" she cried "Trin was right, I am  
  
turning into Jareth. Eww! Eighteen months of painful orthodontic work, all for  
  
nothing!"  
  
Just then, Trin walked into her room and handed the crystal back to her. He no longer  
  
had the mysterious box full of leaflets that he she had seen him with before.  
  
"What's up?" he said. Hilarity opened her mouth to show him her dental monstrosities  
  
"Bloody hell!" he also noticed that Hilarity's hair was beginning to resemble Jareth's  
  
unruly mop more and more and only showed a few traces of her original raven black.  
  
"So I take it you're not feeling any better."  
  
"Nope. The phrase : "pain in the arse" springs to mind as does "Oh God, I want to go  
  
home.""  
  
"Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?" said Trin nervously.  
  
"Good news?"  
  
"Well, the good news is that I have completely modified the Labyrinth so that's its  
  
impossible to get killed, maimed or generally buggered within its walls."  
  
"What? How?"  
  
"It's amazing what you can do with twelve boy scouts and a bottle of cider. Anyway,  
  
I've seen this place's potential so I've decided to open it up as a temporary theme park  
  
and holiday resort."  
  
"That explains the leaflets! As long as it's back the way it was in three weeks I have no  
  
objections, just as long as you leave me out of it. I will not be held responsible if  
  
anything goes wrong." she said diplomatically "What's the bad news?"  
  
Trin took a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolded it. Hilarity's eyes flashed  
  
white with horror when she saw what it was. It was a movie poster...  
  
"Frikin' eck!" she said "They've only made a bloody film about this place!"  
  
"I think I've figured out why we've been getting so much business." said Trin trying to  
  
lighten the mood.  
  
"Oh Bugger! Why does everything have to happen to me? Just three weeks, nothing  
  
was supposed to happen. I was supposed to research my book, get some info on the  
  
surrounding kingdoms, but noooo, they have to release a stupid, pissing movie and  
  
now thousands of children are going to get funny ideas and they're all going to wind  
  
up here!" she angrily kicked her chest of drawers and several Goblins fell out and  
  
scurried off.  
  
"Well, that's life I suppose." she said after she had calmed down. "I always get the  
  
impression that life's a bit like an incense stick. You light it, it stinks and then it burns  
  
out." 


	12. Story Time

Chapter 12 - Story Time   
  
******  
  
It was nearly sunset. Hilarity sat on Jareth's throne with a baby on each knee and a ten  
  
year old sat on a stool next to them as well as several other children that sat on the  
  
floor at her feet. She was reading from a large story book but paused occasionally to  
  
answer a question from one of the kids. Twelve more kids had been wished away that  
  
day and it was really getting chaotic. Trin had agreed to deal with the runners in the  
  
Labyrinth while Hilarity delt with the children, goblins and affairs of state, which she  
  
had to admit was better than frightening young girls (something that Trin was a bit of  
  
an expert at).  
  
"But why did Cinderella put up with her step-sisters?" asked one of the older children.  
  
"I don't know really. Maybe because they were the only family she had, she was just  
  
trying to make the best of things." she replied. She was amazed at how quickly the  
  
kids adapted to the situation. It worried her that maybe the Labyrinth was making  
  
them forget about their siblings. Nevertheless, someone needed to look after them and  
  
although the goblins took good care of their captives, Hilarity had a sneaking  
  
suspicion that education was not high on their agenda. So she had done her best and  
  
used the crystal to fetch some toys and games.  
  
"Now then, where was I?" she said "Oh yes, Cinderella was left on her own while her  
  
wicked step-mother and step-sisters went to the ball..."  
  
"I don't like you're hair." said one of the children suddenly.  
  
"No, neither do I." said Hilarity "But that's the way it is."  
  
"I'm bored, I don't like this story." said a little boy. "Can't you tell us another one?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"I don't know. Tell us about the Goblin King. What's he like?"  
  
Hilarity wasn't quite sure what to say about this as most of her stories that concerned  
  
Jareth were rated at least a 12 and usually concerned a lot of alcohol consumption.  
  
However she didn't have time to answer because at that moment the door to the throne  
  
room swung open and Knossos strutted in.  
  
"Hey kids! I've got a better idea. Why don't you ask that goblin over there if he'll give  
  
you some ice cream, OK." said Hilarity which automatically sent them speed out of  
  
the room in hot pursuit of the unfortunate creature. She eyed up her opponent and for  
  
the first time in her life she experienced a spark of sibling rivalry. Of course! She was  
  
turning into Jareth and she now felt the same tension towards his brother as he did.  
  
Freaky.  
  
"I see you've set up a little orphanage here." he said nastily.  
  
"Oh Christ! I forgot about you!" she said with disdain. She hadn't liked the man  
  
anyway but now her increasing goblinkingitis had turned her hatred into a ticking time  
  
bomb.  
  
"Have you come to a decision?" said Knossos "Do you agree to surrender?"  
  
"Never!" she shouted dramatically. Her voice held a lot more confidence and her  
  
cockney accent had disappeared. Had there been a mirror in the room, she would have  
  
noticed that one of her eyes had turned a cold Nordic blue while the other one  
  
remained its original shade of vibrant purple.  
  
"Then be prepared to suffer the consequences."  
  
"What consequences? Your no match for me." Trin popped his head round the door as  
  
she said this and tried to calm her down.   
  
"Hilarity! Relax, don't be too hasty. You're not well." he turned to the enraged Troll  
  
King "I don't believe we've met. I'm Trin."  
  
"Knossos."  
  
"Gesundheit!"  
  
"I was just discussing with you're cousin, the possibility of an alliance between our  
  
two kingdoms." said Knossos coolly  
  
"It's a lie! He's been threatening to invade. Guards! Throw this ingrate into the Bog of  
  
Eternal Stench!"  
  
"Actually Hils, the Bog of Eternal Stench was a bit of a health and safety risk for my  
  
new enterprise 'Labyrinth Tours Inc.'" said Trin.  
  
"And..." said Hilarity giving him a scathing look.  
  
"And I had it drained and replaced it with a rather nice swimming pool with a Jacuzzi  
  
and a water slide."  
  
"Well throw him in the Oubliette then."  
  
"Ah! Well, you see that's a bit of a problem too because I converted it into a games  
  
room." Knossos heard this and began laughing evilly.  
  
"Ha! My army will attack in thirteen hours. You have until then to either flee or build  
  
up your defences. I will have great pleasure in capturing the two of you and keeping  
  
you in a cage as a small alien curiosity." and he vanished in a cloud of glitter. His  
  
departure seemed to calm Hilarity down and she collapsed in a heap and burst into  
  
tears.  
  
"Oh Trin! We are so screwed!" she sobbed. 


	13. The Showdown

Chapter 13 - The Showdown  
  
******  
  
A/N - OK this is probably the longest chapter I've ever written. It's got some pretty  
good gags in it as well as some dramatic stuff. One more chapter after this and it's  
finito. I might write another story about Hilarity and Trin but then again I might pack  
it in for a while and concentrate on something else. Depends on the demand. Heh heh.  
Feel free to review, guys.   
  
******  
  
Hilarity put the children to bed. Their numbers had increased to about thirty now so  
she had to convert Jareth's ball room into a makeshift dormitory. She then desperately  
consulted her books for a way out of this terrible situation.  
  
"Find anything?" asked Trin.  
  
"Nope. His declaration of war is completely legit." she said "Ooooh! But I am entitled  
to a free goat if we lose."  
  
"What about the whole turning into Jareth malarkey?"  
  
"Hmmm... I don't think there's anything here..." she flicked through the dusty tome to  
double check "Oh no, tell a lie." she began reading out loud   
  
"If a ruler canst not rule,  
The way the Labyrinth doth intend,  
Then the ruler wilt take the form  
Of one who can ratify and mend."  
  
"Jesus Christ!" said Trin "That's the worst poetry I've ever heard!"  
  
"Don't knock it if it works. Jareth is obviously the one who can ratify and mend, so  
our only hope is either call him back or let the spell take hold." They instantly tried the  
crystal but there was no response. "Damn it! Knossos must've known about that poem  
and disrupted my magic somehow!"  
  
"Are you sure?" To prove her point, Hilarity tried calling all kinds of people including  
Britney Spears and a builder called Steve all were successful except when she tried to  
call the Goblin King. "Oh Crap!"  
  
"You see. That little, sodding Justin Hawkins lookalike has cut off all our sources of  
credible aid."  
  
"Oh, yeah! He does look a bit like Justin Hawkins." chuckled Trin momentarily  
distracted.  
  
"There's nothing for it. I'll just have to let the Labyrinth do its thing this time. If I let  
the metamorphosis spell work itself then we just might stand a chance."  
  
"But it's too dangerous. You might never be able to turn back. You don't know  
anything about the consequences!"  
  
"I have to, Trin. This place is my responsibility now and I have to protect it at all  
costs. Even if it does mean sacrificing my gender!" As she said this, the pupil of her  
remaining eye dilated somewhat and its colour changed to an earthy hazel brown. Trin  
looked extremely worried "Don't worry kiddo! It'll be OK. I promise." she said  
reassuringly "And if things don't go as planned I want you to evacuate the entire  
Labyrinth, no exceptions."  
  
"But.."  
  
"NO buts!"  
  
******  
  
The thirteen hours had passed and Trin had successfully evacuated all the children,  
tourists and the creatures who weren't able to fight. Hilarity had not come out of her  
room for a while and he was beginning to get worried.  
  
"Where is she?" he thought. Suddenly a slightly over-dresses goblin appeared by his  
side. Trin assumed he was the army general.  
  
"My Lord. The troll army is at our gates!" it said. Trin looked out the window and sure  
enough he could see ten thousand incredibly ugly creatures advancing.  
  
"Don't worry. They'll never find their way to the castle." said another goblin.  
  
"They've brought chainsaws!" Trin cried suddenly. This caused panic among the  
remaining goblins.  
  
"Run for you're lives!" they shouted.  
  
"Wait a minute! Aren't you going to stand and fight?" said Trin.  
  
"Hmmm...let me think about that one. NO!!!" cried the goblin general. "They're  
computer generated! We'll never stand a chance!"  
  
******  
  
Hilarity could hear the shouting from her room. Things did not sound good. The  
metamorphosis was nearly complete and she now looked exactly like the Goblin King.  
It had been a rather painful transformation. She adjusted the fastening on her cape and  
had to admit that it was quite fetching. With one swift movement she exited the castle  
realising that she had to act soon. The entire goblin army was under three feet tall so  
they wouldn't stand a chance.  
  
******  
  
The trolls had almost destroyed the entire east side of the Labyrinth and were  
rounding on the castle.  
  
"We are so doomed." said one goblin.  
  
"How many do think there are down there?" said another.  
  
"Umm...one...two...three....er...six...erm...lots!" the first goblin finally concluded.  
  
"Could be worse." said the second goblin optimistically.  
  
"How could it be worse?"  
  
"Could be raining." the clouds seemed to join in the attack after the little goblin had  
said this and suddenly the castle was soaked through with rain and hailstones. The  
first goblin happily gave his friend a slap.  
  
******  
  
Knossos was enjoying his victory and was about to take a bottle of champagne from  
his saddle bag when a figure confidently stepped out through the city gates. He gasped  
with horror. It was his brother. Knossos knew about the metamorphosis spell but it  
was impossible for it to work that quickly.  
  
"Jareth! What are you doing here?"  
  
"I thought I'd come back early." said Hilarity shocked at how her voice now sounded.  
"There's only so much you can do in a desert."  
  
"I don't believe you! You're not my brother."  
  
"Oh but I am." replied Hilarity exuding the same calm confidence that she had always  
secretly envied. She was amazed at her behaviour too. She had even got the walk  
right. Deep down, part of her was enjoying this.  
  
"Prove it." Knossos ordered.  
  
"You have a highly disfiguring scar on your left buttock from when I shot you with an  
arrow during our boyhood."  
  
"Ah! The first time you ever beat me." said Knossos. No one else knew that. It must  
be him.  
  
"Not really. I was aiming for the other side but you turned around." Luckily Jareth had  
told Hilarity this story one night when they were both pretty hammered.  
  
"You are surrounded, Jareth. Your goblins are revolting!"  
  
"Well there's no need to get personal. They can't help it." Hilarity chuckled, but it  
didn't sound anything like her laugh.  
  
"There is no way out for you. Surrender peacefully and you will be spared."  
  
"Speaking of sparing," Hilarity said with an evil glint in her brown eye "I've just been  
going through my financial records. I'm afraid you're severely overdrawn." of course,  
that's how she was to ratify and mend.  
  
"What's that got to do with anything?"  
  
"Everything! It means that technically that's my horse you're riding, my shield you are  
carrying and, Oh yes! That's my spear you're pointing at me you horrible little man!"  
what little was left of Hilarity's conscience decided to sit this one out. "If you don't  
leave right now, I will be forced to take this matter to higher authorities."   
  
Knossos halted. He had some painful memories of the last time Jareth sued his arse  
off and he commanded a retreat. "This is not over! I will have my vengeance!" he  
shouted.  
  
"You have no power over me!" scoffed Hilarity, the last shred of her former self was  
getting kind of sleepy. However as she said the words, a huge surge of energy exited  
her body. this was more than ordinary magic. This was the power of the Labyrinth  
itself. Immediately the entire troll army dissolved into a thousand shards of glass as  
did their king. Hilarity's body started turning back the way it was in an impressive  
show of lights and glitter. As the energy left her body it returned to the very stones of  
the Labyrinth itself. The hedges regrew themselves, the walls were rebuilt and the  
forest  
broke free of its prunnings until the maze reappeared from the rubble and debri,  
infinitely more complex and forbidding than before. The Oubliette reappeared and  
was now so dark, light could not escape its depths. The Bog of Eternal Stench seeped  
back through the badly drained ground and engulfed the rather nice swimming pool  
Trin had built and returned to its usual green horribleness, except that now you could  
detect a faint whiff of chlorine among the many other unpleasant smells. Everything  
returned to the way it was. This included Hilarity who was  
now back to normal, well, normal for Hilarity anyway. She realised that something as  
ancient as the Labyrinth could be relied upon to sort itself out. It wouldn't have it any  
other way. With this thought she collapsed with exhaustion.... 


	14. The End!

Chapter 14 - The End!!  
  
******  
  
A/N - OK! This is it for a while. I'm going to put a story about Trin and Hilarity on  
fanfictionpress.com under the same pen name so feel free to check it out. I'd like to  
say a big thank you to Augusta for sticking with this story and to Clover the Sea-Beast  
for being so appreciative. I like the lovechild concept and I think Hilarity would  
probably be the secret lovechild of one of the Fiery gang with Eccentrica Gullumbits  
the triple breasted whore of Eroticon 6. I might get round to doing another Laby fan  
fic later but I really don't know what to do. Although I did have a little idea about  
Hilarity and Toby becoming the godparents to Sarah and Jareth's first child. Anyway  
I'm open to suggestions guys so please, throw me a frikin bone here!  
  
******  
  
She looked over the cliff. It was so high she couldn't see the bottom of it and what she  
had first thought were sheep were actually clouds. The hedgehog was there. Sitting  
quite calmly on the edge with its little legs dangling over the side. "Norman!" she  
cried "Don't move! I'm coming, Norman!" the creature finally did as it was told for  
once and she carefully picked him up and cradled him in her arms "Oh, Spiky  
Norman. I was so scared!"  
"Don't be scared." said the hedgehog "It'll be OK. Just wake up. Wake up, wake up."  
the little spiky animal repeated this over and over again until she plucked up the  
courage and jumped into the chasm. "wake up, wake up...."  
  
******  
  
"Wake up!" Hilarity's eyes snapped open. Everything was blurry. "God, I thought we'd  
lost you then." said the speaker. Everything came into focus and the weirdness of her  
dream was instantly forgotten. Then she remembered what had happened and quickly  
looked under her bed sheets to check if everything was still there. Trying to move had  
left her exhausted again and she had to lie back down.  
  
"I'm me again!" she said weakly but still showing a spark of her old enthusiasm. She  
looked across at the speaker and realised for the first time that it was Jareth. "Bloody  
Hell! How long was I out?"  
  
"About a month. I was beginning to lose hope. The metamorphosis spell causes an  
almost fatal energy drain when it's reversed. Luckily you come from a  
semi-chameleonic race which aided your recovery."  
  
"Of course! Where's Trin?"  
  
"Asleep. He's been looking after you flat out until Sarah and I got back."  
  
"And the kids?"  
  
"I sent them home."  
  
"What about Knossos?"  
  
"Still alive, unfortunately, but he has lost a substantial amount of his power. He'll  
never mess with you again!"   
  
"Thank God." she sighed "I'm sorry I didn't do a good job. I nearly destroyed the entire  
Labyrinth."  
  
"Nonsense. I should be the one apologising. I let you get hurt and ignored you when  
you asked for help."  
  
Hilarity grinned impishly "What's this? The mighty Goblin King apologising to a mere  
commoner?"  
  
"Yes, but it mustn't leave this room, OK. I've really let you down as a friend and I'm  
sorry."  
  
"Don't be daft. It wasn't that bad, and I'm fine now. And as for letting me down, you  
really don't have anything to worry about on that subject. You set me free, you took  
the fall me when we got arrested that one time, you rushed me to hospital when I got  
stung by that wasp and had an allergic reaction, you've kept me entertained for the  
past five years and I know that one of these days I will beat you at Scrabble." they  
suddenly burst out laughing.  
  
"Is that a challenge?" said Jareth.  
  
"Absolutely. The loser has to pay for the next three...no...five nights out."  
  
"You're on!" Jareth conjured up his old ivory scrabble set on a large tray on Hilarity's  
lap as she was still too weak to get out of bed. They began playing furiously, Absinthe  
close at hand.  
  
******  
  
Sarah was about to pay Hilarity a visit but was curious when she heard their  
conversation. She had never eavesdropped before and felt quite guilty about it.  
However, Hilarity and Jareth made a point of behaving themselves when she was  
around so it was quite interesting to see how they interacted.  
  
"So how was your honeymoon? Did you see all the wonders of Calormen?" she heard  
Hilarity say.  
  
"Nah, didn't have the time. I did see some other wonders though..."  
  
"OK, tra la la! I'm not listening!" she said putting her hands over her ears "That was a  
horrible image I saw through that crystal. You've warped my fragile little mind  
forever."  
  
"Fragile!!!" laughed Jareth "The only fragile thing about you is your take on reality."  
  
"That's rich coming from the ruler of a fairy kingdom!"  
  
"You can talk. You come from a planet that makes the Prisoner look like the voice of  
reason." They then had a bit of an insult competition...  
  
"Baby Snatcher."  
  
"Drunkard Abductor."  
  
"Clothes Horse."  
  
"Crop Circle Designer."  
  
"Dwarf Hater!"  
  
"Anal Probing Expert!"  
  
"Crotch Stuffer!"  
  
"Plastic Vicar!"  
  
"Ooooh! That was harsh, Jareth!" Sarah didn't had a clue about what they were on  
about now and gave up.   
  
******  
  
"On a lighter note, did you know they made a movie about this place?" said Hilarity  
  
"No...Who played me?"  
  
Hilarity winked "The one, the only...David Bowie!" Jareth pretended not to care but  
she could tell he was secretly chuffed. Having been him for a day and all.  
  
Just then, Trin and Sarah walked in, happy to find their friend fully conscious again.  
"Hey guys!" said Hilarity happily "Join the game. We'll play in teams." They played  
in silence for a while until the patient looked up suddenly and said " Wait a minute!  
Has anyone told Danny about this?"  
  
"Oh Crap! I knew we'd forgotten something!" said Trin. "Don't worry about him. I'll  
tell him, just concentrate on getting better for now."  
  
And so they played long into the night and over time their friendships grew ever firmer,  
united by the wonder that is the Labyrinth!  
  
The End 


End file.
